3 Ideas in 2 Minutes on How to Say No
The Constructive No, Calibrated Questions & a Decision-Making Heuristic
I. The Constructive No
The Constructive ‘No’ is inspired by podcaster and notorious early bird Jocko Willink. It’s an indirect approach. Best used when we’re being asked to do something we don’t like. Perhaps because it’s utterly insane. I’ve previously described it like this:
Instead of threatening your counterpart's authority and sense of autonomy by trying to talk them out of their idea, you go with it and test it out carefully. Observe what happens, report it back and then suggest an alternative that you think has more chances of success. We could say, the 'No' is shown as opposed to being told. In a best-case scenario, the person whose ideas you’re rejecting realises the futility of their suggestion on his or her own.
In practice, the Constructive ‘No’ could sound like this: “I did what you asked. This is what happened. How would you feel about doing that instead?”
II. Calibrated Questions
Another way to say ‘No’ without actually uttering the dreaded word is to ask a calibrated question: How am I supposed to do that? Negotiation expert Chris Voss explains:
Calibrated “How” questions are a surefire way to keep negotiations going. They put the pressure on your counterpart to come up with answers, and to contemplate your problems when making their demands.
With enough of the right “How” questions you can read and shape the negotiation environment in such a way that you’ll eventually get to the answer you want to hear. You just have to have an idea of where you want the conversation to go. When you’re devising your question.
The trick to “How” questions is that, correctly used, they are gentle and graceful ways to say “No” and guide your counterpart to develop a better solutions — your solution. A gentle How/No invites collaboration and leaves your counterpart with a feeling of having been treated with respect.
—Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference
III. A Decision-Making Heuristic
Sometimes the hard part is to decide whether to say ‘Yes’ or ‘No’. Here’s entrepreneur and philosopher Naval Ravikant with a simple decision-making heuristic:
If you cannot decide, the answer is no. And the reason is, modern society is full of options. There are tons and tons of options. We live on a planet of seven billion people, and we are connected to everybody on the internet. There are hundreds of thousands of careers available to you. There are so many choices. […]
If you find yourself creating a spreadsheet for a decision with a list of yes’s and nos, pros and cons, checks and balances, why this is good or bad…forget it. If you cannot decide, the answer is no.
—Naval Ravikant
If you enjoy Naval Ravikant’s perspective, check out my long-form essay on 5 Inspiring Naval Quotes: How His Practical Philosophy Can Change Lives 🐘
Have a great week,
Chris
themindcollection.com
P.S.: Thanks for reading. And a special thank you to those of you who are supporting my work with a paid subscription.